For the single lady out on the prowl the college dating world can seem as daunting as a field full of mines. In high school, it’s easy to tell who was interested in you by the way they stared at you from across the lunch room or even by the ever so coy classic “Do you like me? Circle Yes/No” letter passed to you from across your math class. Oh wait, that was middle school. Just kidding, high school was kind of a minefield as well.
Enter stage right, my long-lasting singledom. For a long time during my teen years my singledom and lack of a first kiss was cause for alarm (“Mackenzie’s still a ‘Josie Grossie’, sound the alarm!”) as well as confusion .
Thanks to Beyoncé’s snappy hit single “Single ladies”, as well as realizations that my dream gentleman caller would eventually come stage right on his valiant steed to defeat my imposing singledom with one fell swoop of his gilded sword, the confusion vanished. All I’d need was some patience and my trusted “Things to do before you’re Taken ( so it doesn’t suck so bad that you’re still single)” list that I’ve compiled over the last year or so. I’m going to whip out my David-Letterman-style notecards and unleash the Top 10 list beast:
1.Spoon an inanimate object. Just ’cause you can. No one’s watching! Get creative, too. Pillows, lamps, a toaster, your lap top, inflatable pool toys. The sky’s the limit!
2.Eat as many foods containing onions and garlic as you possibly can. This is especially good if some creepy guys off-campus try to make advances.
3.Dance in a ridiculous manner. In public. No provocative moves necessary. Remember, you are trying to enjoy your un-takenness! It helps to make this as close to the “Elaine dance ” from Seinfeld as possible for maximum efficiency.
4.Listen to really mopey music. Loudly. Especially Edith Piaf. It’s a supreme man-repellant and a known fact that the sound of a wailing french woman will make any guy flee. Also, it’s pretty good for making creeps shake in their boots.
5.Forget to shave your legs. For a week. Eh, or a month. Pass it off as your newfound eco-friendly attitude that you wouldn’t dare to put another razor in the trash-can.
6.Eat a whole pint of Ben and Jerry’s. Please use the good ol’ phrase “Going to hang out with my two favorite men, Ben and Jerry”, like it’s going out of style, which it actually is.
7.Become the master of excuse-making. This goes hand in hand with #5 and #6. Proclaim this month “No-shave November” or that the reason you’re staying in tonight is that you have some daunting research paper to do about Nikola Tesla (That celibate hunk!), when you’re really going to go to town on a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and watch Lifetime. Your singledom is a time to foster your creativity, ladies! The more outlandish, the better.
8.Pretend you’re the dating guru for your group of friends (“Oh yeah! Guys totally love it when you ask them to pick up a box of tampons for them on your second date!”) . It’s flattery, right?!
9. Go to a movie by yourself. Sorry to pull a Dr.Phil, but singledom is a really crucial time in which you can really become comfortable with yourself. It’s easy to feel vulnerable when you’re doing something in the public by yourself. Use this as an exercise to get over any residual lame-ness you feel about being single. Brownie points if you muster up the courage to comment on the movie that’s playing for all of the people around you!
10.Tart yourself for a night on the town! Put on a hot little number (make sure all of the cat hair is off, fellow aspiring spinsters) and put your muu-muu to rest. Single ladies far and wide need some fun too, just don’t put any pressure on yourself to keep looking aimlessly for your bare-chested knight to come charging through the doors of the club and give you a “come hither” look. After fine tuning your un-takenness with the Elaine Dance as well as your unshaven legs, you’ll be a hot ticket on the dating market. Guys like low-maintenance, am I right or am I right?
Question for you, oh fair reader: What is/was your favorite thing to in your singledom?
Mine is playing the “That’s why you’re single!” game. Whenever something embarrassing happens or something ridiculous comes out of your mouth, you chant “That’s why you’re single!”. It’s a crowd pleaser!