You know you’re a lost cause when you have crushes on literary characters…

…Like this girl right over here.

So maybe I’m alone in this, but hopefully there a lot of you out there that find yourself with crushes on literary characters…

 

…And authors? Please? Anyone else with me on this one??!?!

But anyways, back to another way I’m a creep and a dork. I’ve noticed that in my “tags” cloud off to the right that “dork” is the largest one, and unfortunately it’s about to get a bit larger.

Oh, yes. I’m whipping out my David-Letterman-style-notecards and counting down my Top 10 (but probably more, sadly. ) list of hunkiest literary character crushes of mine and babe-a-licious authors. Enjoy. Feel free to cringe.

 

1. Ford Prefect, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”.

The Mos Def version, not the awkward 1980’s British dude. Sorry, I just love Mos Def in general so it’s easy to see why I’d swoon in the arms of his version of Ford Prefect. Oh, Ford. I would never panic in your arms! Care to read me some romantic Vogon poetry?

“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime, doubly so.”

2.And since I’m on the subject of H2G2, Douglas Adams, in general.

You know when people ask “If you could have lunch with any person dead or alive, who would it be?” I wouldn’t just say “Douglas Adams” and leave it at that (who, by the way, died in the worst way EVER. Heart attack at the GYM?!?!). I’d add “Douglas Adams, but only if I had enough time to woo him so he would tell me witty sci-fi things as we reclined upon fields of daisies and sipped sparkling flavored water, but the latter would be useless because most of it would be coming out of my nose from laughing so hard”. Simple as that.

“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.”

 

3.The Weasley Twins, the Harry Potter series.

This is obvious. Sorry Harry Potter, I think you’re kind of a pansy to be honest. I’m aaaaaaaalll about the Weasley twins. Even if one of them is dead and the other one is missing an ear. Homegirl over here can deal with it.

“’I don’t believe it! I don’t believe it! Oh, Ron, how wonderful! A prefect! That’s everyone in the family!’
‘What are Fred and I next-door neighbours?’ said George indignantly.”

4. Henry Detamble, “The Time Traveler’s Wife”.

Okay, this is my super corny crush of the bunch. I really have no words to back up my reasoning for this. Except that I’m still kind of angry that Eric Bana was chosen to play him in the movies and not Christian Bale, like I always imagined when I read this book three times in the tenth grade. Sadface.

“’I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were coming or I’d have cleaned up a little more. My life, I mean, not just the apartment.’”

5. Michael Moscovitz, the Princess Diaries series.

I’m pretty sure I’ve name dropped Michael Moscovitz quite enough in this blog to get my point across. And the fact that I went to the concert of the band that the actor who plays Michael Moscovitz speaks VOLUMES about this (6 year-long) crush of mine. Ba-dun-ksh!

Mia: You’ll never guess what Josh Bryant just asked me!

Michael: Can I borrow a comb?”

6.Jonathan Safran Foer (author and character) “Everything is Illuminated”.

This one is a doozy. This is a crush on both the author of the book AND the character that portrays him in the movie based on his book. I have only two words: Elijah Wood.

Case and point. And I can’t lie and say that I considered applying to Yale solely because Foer teaches writing courses there. My bad.

Alex: You make sex often with American girl?
Jonathan: Not really.
Alex: What is mean by "not really?"
Jonathan: I’m not a priest, but I’m not John Holmes either.
Alex: I have heard of this John Holmes. He has premium penis.
Jonathan: Yes, he did.
Alex: Everyne in Ukraine has penis like that.
Jonathan: Even the women?
Alex: You make joke, yes?
Jonathan: Yes.”

7. Edward Bloom, “Big Fish”.

Maybe it’s because Daniel Wallace’s book is entirely how my mind works; impractical, irrational, and sort of in its own fantasy world, that I can’t not love Edward Bloom. He’s possibly the most magical character, outside of a Harry Potter book. Seriously. And he’s less of a pansy than HP is. Swoon.

Josephine: I’d like to take your picture.
Senior Ed Bloom: Oh, you don’t need a picture. Just look up "handsome" in the dictionary.”

Young Ed Bloom: There are some fish that cannot be caught. It’s not that they are faster or stronger than other fish, they’re just touched by something extra”

8. Westley, “The Princess Bride”.

I think any woman in their right mind has had a crush on Westley, whether they’ve seen the movie replayed every daggone weekend on Bravo or not. And this is seriously one of those characters that is even hunkier and cooler in the book than in the movie. I know, it’s hard to imagine. William Goldman is a genius and he’s totally welcome to come along on my escapades with resurrected Douglas Adams and I.

Buttercup: “That’s the fire swamp! We’ll never survive, Westley.

Westley: Nonsense! You’re only saying that because no one ever has!”

9. Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern, from “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern”. Duh.

Because who can really resist the witty and ridiculous packaged set of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern? Especially when Gary Oldman plays you in the movie version? I mean, come on. Let’s not be ridiculous here.

“’Rosencrantz: Do you think Death could possibly be a boat?
Guildenstern: No, no, no… Death is "not." Death isn’t. Take my meaning? Death is the ultimate negative. Not-being. You can’t not be on a boat.
Rosencrantz: I’ve frequently not been on boats.
Guildenstern: No, no… What you’ve been is not on boats. ‘”

10. Hamlet, from “Hamlet”. Duh.

Okay, I’ll admit. I don’t really know why I had a huge crush on Hamlet in my senior year of high school. It might be because I have a soft spot for ridiculous characters. Or it might be because I really despised my 12th grade literature class and I daydreamed the wazoo in that class. Or it might be because the fact that Jude Law looks absolutely hilarious as Hamlet in this picture.

No quotes for this one. Just appreciate this picture, if you will.

 

And I shall leave you all with this quote of infinite wisdom from my fair friend Chelsea:

"Bottom line: Writing is cool. Being a writer is even cooler. And being a good writer makes you incredibly attractive to members of the opposite sex. Seriously."

It would seem apparently so! 😉

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3 thoughts on “You know you’re a lost cause when you have crushes on literary characters…

  1. Can I please just sit and chuckle while sighing dreamily over that Jude Law picture all day?

    Also, this is the best, most comprehensive list of literary crushes ever. We are so the same person (though I haven’t seen Rosencrantz and Guildenstern before so I’m not quite sure how I feel about that one).

    I too enjoyed the fact that dork was the largest word in your tag-cloud-thing.

    My happiness is now derived from your blog postings. 🙂

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