Being an awkward, white girl like myself it’s easy to find yourself stereotyped as quiet, lacking dance skills, and possibly an Ice Queen.
But really, us white girls got spice.
And to be honest, us white girls could one day rise up and form a revolution. A rap-writing revolution.
And hopefully Ke$ha will not be the proletariat of that scenario.
Hopefully, I will. Yeah, I said it.
Cryptically aside, for some reason or another I really enjoy writing raps. I think it all began when I was in junior year and my BFF and I got so bored (and borderline creepy) in our German class that we wrote “love raps” for each boy in our class.
Oh yes, we did. And of course, I still have all 15-some of them.
And since then I’ve written oodles of raps. From that one biblical rap battle rap that I wrote for my church’s fundraiser, complete with dance-off and appearance of Jesus. (My church is awesome like that). And that one I wrote about being in Haiti and how all of the girls on our mission trip (from the same church, mind you) all ended up spooning and hitting on each other.
You see why my life gives me so much material for stand-up, right?
But anyways, I still find myself writing raps from time to time and yesterday was no exception. So I give you my new addition to my rap collection:
(Oh, and this rap will most likely be set to the tune of “Bonita Applebum” by A Tribe Called Quest. Just so you know.
“White Girl Ordering a Salad”
Check it, check it! What up, White Girl Ordering a Salad
I just wrote you a little ballad
I see you orderin’ those leafy greenz
So you can slip into those skinny jeanz
So why you tryin’ to further yo stereotype
When we all know thick thighz is all the hype?!
I hear you yappin’ to all your friends
That your thighs are made of thunder, you get rolls when you bend.
You crazy white ho’, you best check yourself
Or else you gon’ lose dat bootay and wreck yo’self!
And honey, you ain’t no baker, ‘cause I don’t see no rolls or a muffin
And you ain’t no Thor, so you is just straight bluffin
So put yo bread in that mouth and grow that donk
Cause we all know that’s what makes cars honk
You got yo’ greenz, no nuts, and dressing on the side
Aww, shee-iitt, you sound like a real ball o’ fun on the inside!
…why can’t I major in rap writing?!?!