i’ve always been a secretly anxious person.
whether it’s during an episode of “jeopardy!” and my brother is catching up to my lead by answering every question in the “ted danson” category correctly or not, i’m always looking out for all possible combinations of what the future might reveal itself to be.
true story. he really did do that. i love my family. just not when they almost beat me at “jeopardy!”.
but it’s not entirely limited to game shows on tv. it’s commonly stringed together with accomplishment and my age. and what i’d wish i could say i’ve accomplished by now.
ever since i was really little, i’ve always tried to get ahead. not in a competitve sense. but i just felt a sense of peace in the sense that i could spend the summer before my senior year in high school taking pre-calculus because i could take calculus the fall of my senior year.*
but now it’s not rounds of jeopardy! and what classes i could take that really are the culprits of this anxiety that has been permeating in lately. it’s the fact that i have around three weeks of waiting by the mailbox for a fat envelope or two from the mailman to tell me of my new school-fate. it’s the fact that it has been many a moon since i have seen my previous waif hip bones that could have been classified as weapons by the tsa. and not to mention that bony butt of mine, that many of my friends were afraid to have on their laps, lest they bruise from the boniness.**
it’s the fact that i haven’t acted in a show in months. and gosh darnit, snl isn’t going to kneel on the ground and beg for me to write for them, so when am i going to start working for that dream?***
i mean, it’d be so cool to have lorne michaels kneel on the ground before me, begging me to write for snl, but i’m pretty sure he is too busy eating popcorn and talking about digital sketches to come and grovel at my feet.
and it’s in these moments of too many questions, flying in too large of a volume for me to answer. like they’re owls coming to deliver harry potter those letters in the first harry potter.****
that i just giggle. and put on a cute dress. and hug my dog. and plan on baking cupcakes. and realize that anxiety isn’t going to bring me the future i want. it’s going to bring me the future i worry about incessantly. the one where i’m still living in orlando and am about to be on the local news because i hoard tea cups and other knick-knacks that i’ve become trapped in my own house.
and homegirl isn’t down for that.
so on with the dance, dears. it’s time for pretty dresses. coffee dates with friends. impromptu dance parties. and actually feeling refreshed enough to go forth on those plans of yours.
*i was an extremely fun person to make summer plans with, by the way.
**i was also an extremely pleasant person to go to parties with, especially ones that lacked chairs.
***the answer is right after i abandon hopes of opening my own cupcake-bakery-bookstore-place-where-people-will-let-me-pet-their-dogs-place.
****yes. i just went there.