…sometimes i wonder why God gave me the skills he gave me;
i’m better at impersonating every character from “peewee’s playhouse” with uncanny precision than playing piano with both hands. even cowboy curtis and the cowntess. oh, especially the cowntess.
and mimicking the voice of “sebastian” from the little mermaid than writing beautiful, wise poems.
and naming every snl cast member back to the mid-eighties with careful precision, noting their most popular characters and skits.
and writing comedic raps (true story: my BFF and i wrote a rap about each boy in our german class junior year of high school. most of them are more lewd than a lil’ wayne rap) when i could be incredibly good at calculus.
evidence: my rap that i wrote about hester prynne, main character of “the scarlet letter”…
“yo,yo check it, this yo’ girl hester
i can’t keep to myself, got a scarlet letter on my breast-er
i live in a little cottage, got my baby pearl,
all the town-bitchez hate me, so she mah’ main girl.
i’m stuck between a dimmesdale and a hard place
because i’m an adulteress, i just like the chase.
there’s my baby daddy, he’s worth it for the chilling
but his love ain’t worth more than a shilling.”
and my smash hit rap, “white girl ordering a salad”.
…sometimes i think “man, God sure did give me a whole lot of party tricks.”
…and sometimes i have to reflect on the lady gaga of the past, carmen miranda.
and believe that if there ever was a place in the world for a woman with a mound of fruit and flowers on her head, then there just had to be a place for a girl who writes raps about literary characters, right?
there just has to be. i’m sure of it.