i like to think that dorothy’s little trip to oz might have had a different ending if she had a cell phone texting spree with her mother along the way.
because there really is no place like home when you’re homesick, but texting really does fill the gap between oz and kansas…observe:
(little background: i was on the way to the animal shelter to play with some puppies.)
mom: i was going to bake today but *someone* (passive aggressively referring to her roommate) seems to have used them
me: *sends picture of squadron of geese* i just made some new friends. they’re not very talkative. but i’m sure i can get you a good discount on eggs.
mom: they are not what they are quacked up to be. they won’t lick your face [ like puppies do], i’ve tried.
me: and they don’t like quack-quack jokes either 😦
mom: that’s some funny sh$% you need to send that to your brother.
me: i will once i finish typing up my memoirs. *
mom: i’m heading into taco bell for a cold beverage and some nachos, yum.
me: how ironic! i’m going to go play with puppies and you’re about to eat puppy meat. just kidding. enjoy your nachos!
mom: *sends picture of taco bell meal* oh yes, cholesterol!
me: take that, lipitor!
mom: yeah, lipitor. try to break down THAT sh$%
me: i’m almost at the puppy place, and by that i don’t mean taco bell. i will call you once i’m done getting smooched by boston puppies.
mom: puppy smooches, they are the best behind matt damons.
mom: this is fun. if we were on twitter we would have so many followers. we are so entertaining.
me: i know, who needs big bootied kardashians when you can have a pancake butt filson?
mom: or as i was known as “pancake chest filson”. **
me: it’s free cat friday! time to get crunk!
mom: meows your chance!
me: mom. you are killing me. i can’t stop laughing.
mom: i’m sorry. i just can’t stop i’m on a roll! maybe because it’s free cat friday. you would be in trouble if it was free bernese mountain dog friday.
me: i would run through the streets and praise jesus if it were free bernese mountain dog friday.
mom: you would end up sitting in a corner, drooling all over yourself.
me: you know me too well.
there really is no place like home, but intense texting sprees about taco bell and kittens with your mom are essentially just as great.
*if you were curious, my memoir will be called “ once i’m rich and famous, you’re still not getting a yacht.”
** us poor filsons. we were not as well endowed as our [kardashian] peers.