to stop looking, or the “i blame this on katherine heigl” post;

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i like to think i’m very good at the quick glance, not wavering my gaze upon a certain person, place, or thing for too long.

the girl who you really could never put your finger on because she was soon fluttering away to another subject, or person, or anything for that matter.

but i’m here to tell you that i’m not as incognito as i seem to be. i’m always searching. always looking and analyzing. picking apart. and scrapping together imaginary futures like i’m about to decoupage a little life for myself and a lovely lanky boy to live inside of.

i’m looking at scrawny boys in business suits on the train, wondering whether or not they would be open to such planned out futures together. or the backwards baseball capped bros that always come on the train at northeastern. and whether they could really find it in their hearts to love a girl who really just used the word “decoupage” in a sentence.

i’m looking at the brownstones that greet me every afternoon on commonwealth ave and wondering if i’m meant to wake up every morning in one with some hot-shot financial district boy who disapproves of my dogs sleeping on the bed (by the way, total deal breaker).

 

i’m looking at the katherine heigl movies that have so lead me to the flirting and dating illiteracy that i now deal with (james marsden types don’t steal your schedules until you agree to go out with them in real life? whaaaaat?!) . that i deal with on the roof tops of mit frat houses, surrounded by dreamy beta males who courteously bring me sunkist sodas (true story. it was totally awesome. i can now see why guys think it’s so great when a girl brings them a sandwich), but i talk myself out of talking to. that i deal with on the subways when i try to master the coy smile, but end up looking like i’m trying to bend spoons with my mind.

what i’m getting at, is that i look for that special person in everyone. no one curly-haired boy (with dark features. quiver!) is free from my quick glance. and a part of me feels like that this is my problem. i look everywhere, when every single romantic comedy tells me to do the opposite.

so that is why i’m going to start peeling myself away from the decoupage’d future i’ve built up so neatly in my head. peel my eyes away from well-dressed, bespectacled boys on the train and direct them to a book. start dancing down the streets filled with brownstone apartments  with new friends instead of wondering what the inside of our apartment would look like. read more books alone in parks without peeking over to see if a boy might make his way towards me. write more funny jokes. work on that play/sitcom/novel. buy the dogs that will nestle at the foot of my bed, regardless of what the future holds.

because just like in the game hide-and-go-seek, no one likes a peeker.

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5 thoughts on “to stop looking, or the “i blame this on katherine heigl” post;

  1. wow…you seem amazing…and i wouldn’t even have to share my plate of meat with you….damn… I could so use a bacon sandwich right about now….

    T.

  2. you are so lovely.

    this post was lovely, and i completely agree – the moment we stop looking for it, the world sees that and places somebody quite perfect in our lives.

    p.s. your james marsden reference = perfection.

    love youuuuu!

  3. This was a brilliant post. It felt as if you were speaking to me. And you are so right. It’s better to press on with your life and just let good things come to you than to constantly imagine fleeting futures with people you know you’ll never meet.

    Either that or just step out and make yourself meet them, give those fleeting glimpses of the future a real chance to come to fruition. I guess you can’t let everything come to you (which is really just a shame, isn’t it?).

  4. This was a brilliant post. It felt as if you were speaking to me. And you are so right. It’s better to press on with your life and just let good things come to you than to constantly imagine fleeting futures with people you know you’ll never meet.

    Either that or just step out and make yourself meet them, give those fleeting glimpses of the future a real chance to come to fruition. I guess you can’t let everything come to you (which is really just a shame, isn’t it?).

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