you start out innocently enough. you have your note cards. your study schedules. your multiple highlighters that mean different things when you underline things in your renaissance drama texts. you give yourself pep talks when you take a “study break” in the girl’s bathroom of the library. you consider going to the bathroom a “study break”.
you begin your slow descent into finals anxiety with each whispered “YOU GOT THIS HOMEGIRL! YOU RUN FINALS!” in stall number three.
and who really enjoys looking like a sad monk that has a bad habit of wearing sweatshirts from schools they’ve never been to? not me, no way.
ergo, my checklist on how to get yourself out of the finals exam season doldrums.
1. listen to josh ritter. in extreme amounts. imagine you are riding through the midwest atop a white horse and drinking whiskey, watching the sun go down. or you could just imagine josh ritter is your boyfriend. both are acceptable. make sure to yell “AND I LOVE THE WAY SHE LOOKS IN HER UNDERWEAAAAAR!” during really intense moments of studying.
2. realize the existence of bon iver erotica stories the day before finals end. be thankful you didn’t discover their hilarity any earlier. read a few and get yourself together.
3. plan a celebratory thai food date with a person you really like for immediately after finals. imagining the end of finals and a mountain of fried tofu cubes can get me out of any sad spell.
4. coffee. just do it. all 24oz of it. forget that your left eye won’t stop twitching.
5. remember your favorite saying from your big brother. “grab a tissue, we all got issues.” get your big girl pants on.
6. realize that finals season means you don’t have to dress up at all. realize that most of your outfits consist of things you might have slept in the night before. start using your “sally jesse raphael glasses” out of desperation.
7. do jumping jacks when you reach a wall in reading the (actually fantastic) text entitled ’tis pity she’s a whore. i cannot tell you how many times i have forced friends to do jumping jacks with me in the library.
8. do hand-stretching exercises. reason? you will probably end up spending four hours writing if you’re an english/writing/publishing major like i am. two of those hours will be spent writing an in-class essay on incest. nine pages by hand, guys. my poor right middle finger is still permanently scarred.
9. do another set of jumping jacks once finals is over! hug your mom! hug your professor! hug random dogs in boston common! hug the guard that yells at you to tap your id when you try to sneak into the library! you’re done with finals, homegirl!
result: this is my “OMG I AM LISTENING TO JOSH RITTER AND DRINKING HOT MANGO BLACK TEA IN MY FAVORITE COFFEE MUG!!!!!” face.