excuse me, is this mic on;


{almost exactly a year ago.}

if you haven’t noticed it, my favorite tag for posts recently is “that’s why i’m single”.

it originated in my junior year of high school. it started as a game to (somehow?) get my bff over a really turdish ex-boyfriend of hers (who once yelled at me for offering him a homemade cookie, a real catch). whenever any of us did something horridly embarrassing or unattractive, we’d say in a sing-songy voice, “that’s why you’re siiiiingle!”.

the friend eventually got over the dude, we lost a lot of shame, and we still play the game to this day. it’s become harder and harder to top each other on being just completely undesirable (conventionally speaking, obviously. because come on, weirdness is the spice of the dating world)

but guys, i think i won.

i was reorganizing my new bookshelf (don’t say it, i already know) i found a random journal i wrote some notes down in last year. i found a gem to win all the games of “that’s why you’re single. i’d also like everyone to know that right above this gem is a post-it note that has “TRISH, THE CURSING CROSS-STITCHER” written on it in gel pen, which i assume was a character i was trying to develop. i rest my case.

so without further ado, a white girl rap (my favorite canon is it sad that this isn’t my first one?) from exactly 361 days ago. it doesn’t get any more (conventionally) undesirable than this:

white girl rap, take two. 
yo, yo check it. 
i got my vera bradley and my skinny jeans 
my skin ain’t white, it’s oxi-clean.
all these other bitches be tryna’ start a fight
but i ain’t got time, bachelorette’s on tonight.

these haters think they know me
think they know my life.
but do they really know about my white girl strife?

split ends, cracked iphones, liberal arts colleges,
daddy issues, veganism, boys that won’t acknowledge us!
now get this, being a white girl is hard
we have to update our blogs and try not to fart

pretend to be vegan and stop eating gluten
crushes on “bad boys” and have opinions on putin.
and now here’s my home girl, D(J.Crew), 
my brooks brother from another mother and her palomino, boo. 
 

goodness gracious.

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