i just want to wear all the hats, please;


{my preferred means of studying}

i’m gonna whisper this really softly in case i startle any of you.

i figured out i don’t want to apply to grad school. not this year at least. maybe not even in five years. maybe not ever. whatever.

in the spirit of 2013: the year of “nope” i’m saying nope to running wild with ideas i’ve half-convinced myself of going forward with. i’ve always loved learning. i sometimes will exclaim it to whomever is near me. “siiiiiiigh, i love learning,” which is usually met with an eye roll. the fact that i was never on the scripps spelling bee when i was in middle school is still a weak spot for me (i would definitely be one of the little dweebs that writes the word out with her finger and the back of her number pinned to her mom-picked-out-polo.)

 in typical mackenzie fashion, i get a really romanticized image of the future and run maniacally with it clutched in my grubby, little paws. and this is all looked nice when i put this on me.  it was convincing and comfortable and fit me well.  this image was of me wearing tweed and classy-lady blazers, stacks of books in hand, trying to get people into poetry by super pissed off american women in the 20th century (my favorite), glasses sliding down my nose, as my head falls in between the crack of a book.

and that’s cute and whatever, but then i got this itch. it was along the lines of “mackenzie, but you would have to go to grad school somewhere for six years minimum, you effing HATE sitting still, ya turd” and “goodbye, time to read teen chick lit,” as well as a simple “ugh, when would all the sleeping happen?”

because when it boils down to it, i’m afraid i won’t keep learning new things. which is actually stupid, considering on my year off i taught myself pre-calculus, bought a german workbook last summer, and read james und der riesenpfirsich last spring. to say i’ll never learn new things is like telling myself i will never eat a whole cookie pie by myself (#14 best decision of my life, actually.) i rushed into this tweed-filled daydream of mine because the younger mackenzies thought i wouldn’t hold up my side of the bargain, to always learn things.

i’ve always liked to wear many hats. happy mackenzie rushes from babysitting (paper hat, made by charley) her favorite two year-old homegirl(“i get to listen to ‘sweet baby james’ when i go poop on the potty!”- charley, on her love of the music of james taylor) and bakes orange cinnamon rolls (ratty white target beret), and reads poetry when she wants to, for fun (still the beret, but turned to the side all fancy-like), and ya fiction, for fun (let’s be real now), and picks apart things stories, and crochets absurdly thick scarves (ten gallon hat, to change things up), and sings when she does the dishes (a top hat), and makes horrible jokes (a bowler hat). and shedoesn’tliketoplananythinginadvancethankyouverymuch (no hat at all.)

and at this point my hat collection is wide and varied and  and going to grad school in the next year or two would be like wearing the same beret every day for the next year, and gosh darnit i want to wear a sombrero.


6 thoughts on “i just want to wear all the hats, please;

  1. I too am one to romanticize about the future, so I know what you mean. I am also looking into grad school, but it’s necessary for me to have a master’s if I want to be in the counseling field.

  2. this. this is beautiful. I feel like I have so many things to tell you but i don’t know where to start. i chose not to go to grad school because I realized the only reason i wanted to go was because i was afraid of facing the real world. and when school has been your life nonstop since kindergarten, real life is scary. GOOD FOR YOU for saying no. for remembering you will never stop learning. I’m just happy for you.

  3. you gotta follow your heart….no matter what road it wants to take….regrets take up too much room in your soul…..room that’s best kept for other things like love and pretty flowers.

  4. I am so glad you’ve found some clarity. (Ha ha…did not realize that was a blog plug until I re-read.) When I was trying to decide what to do after college (which was first teaching, not grad school), I was a huge emotional mess. And I ultimately decided that I had to just make the decision that would make me happiest in the moment, knowing that I couldn’t predict how things would actually go, how I would change, what I was “supposed” to do. It’s a philosophy that’s served me well.

    And you’re right…a zillion years of grad school can be a hard thing to swallow sometimes. It’s got to happen for the right reasons.

    Can’t wait to hear about other exciting adventures!

    • hahaha this cracked me up! i approve the blog plug, always 😉 and gosh, that’s the best bit of advice ever. such a novel idea to just DO what i want to do right this very moment. so simple and yet so hard. you’re the best, clair 🙂

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