dear russell, the apartment rat;


to my dearest russell, my newest roommate, and most memorable apartment rat.

your days are numbered. your meals feasting upon the dropped crumbs of my orange cinnamon rolls are dwindling. your little rat teeth have gnawed on the pipes of two now-defunct dishwashers.

and i know you deviously rub your paws together each night as you scheme which bathroom toiletry you will steal for your rats nest next.

many nights as i go into the cupboard to grab my bag of rice cakes, i’m almost sure i will come paw-to-paw with you among my long-expired boxes of couscous and the absurd amount of refried beans i hold onto in case of a refried bean shortage in the town of brookline.

many nights i expect to enter the cold kitchen to stress-eat full-fat yogurt straight out of the container, and you will somehow have a rat-sized rolling desk chair to sit upon…gradually turning around to greet me, you little freak.

many nights i raise my fists to the gods and cry “RUSSELL, THE RAT BASTARD HAS STRUCK AGAIN.”

many nights i imagine you hovering over my sleeping frame, wondering why i’ve put all boxed crackers in the fridge since the beginning of january.

many nights i’ve heard your signature “russell rustling” in my cupboard and known that my box of maple frosted mini wheats were as good as gone.

and you stole my damn tooth brush. and you gnawed a hole into my toothpaste.  like what is the deal, russell. what is the origin of this angst.

if you see a trail of my cracker-shaped slices of cheese leading to a pool of chloroform, you’ll know it’s from me.

until we meet again, please spare my loaf peanut butter banana bread, it’s all i have.

mackenzie, the rat bounty hunter of brookline.


3 thoughts on “dear russell, the apartment rat;

  1. Hahahah oh my dear you have me in a fit of laughter at work this story is just too perfect. But in all seriousness, I’m sorry about your little nuisance of a friend and hope his days with you really are limited!!

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