things you learn by 25.875;

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okay, so you still don’t know how to make bread bowls {and thus cannot eat your dishes.} that’s okay. cut yourself a break. it’s been a weird and funny three years. there’s still time.

25 has been really dope. ups and downs, sure, but generally a good 82% on rotten tomatoes and i’m on month 10. there’s still a chance that a hologram of prince barges into act 3 and totally ups this to 94% but regardless, i’m chock full of shit i’ve learned:

1. don’t let anyone {ahem, anyboy} “pee” on you! i don’t mean this literally, because maybe you enjoy that and who am i to judge?! i mean it in the way where {typically dudes} mark their territory on you via emptily flirting, inviting you to eat a lot of pizza and truffle fries and you’re like, “whoa, how nice to be sharing truffle fries with a nice guy! maybe he’s digging me as much as i dig these here fries” and then he just doesn’t. you’re just friends. whoa, right? so you think, okay. just friends. that’s cool. neat. but no! it keeps happening in a way that toes the line between “super cool female friend” {which you are!} and “girl i take along to do things i might do with a girlfriend but my normal girlfriend isn’t into it and this girl is fun and i don’t owe her anything like my love or  respect or anything”. so you’ve landed yourself as a surrogate stand-in girlfriend, covered in all this metaphorical urine, getting stupid late night texts and coffee invitations and bike rides that end with them buying you a fuckin’ SMOOTHIE {come ON} and that’s not enough, ladies! as a survivor of being “peed on” too many times, know that you deserve more than this. dudes that really dig ya won’t just pee.

2. in a similar vein, the heart is a complete fucking idiot of an organ. the spleen is infinitely smarter and more efficient, to be honest. sure, your friends might think you’re making some stupid ass decisions, you’re a bit unhinged, or you’re holding on a bit too tight to things like you’re gollum but with a bit more eyebrow pencil. and maybe it will take you 3 months, 2 weeks, or *ahem*, 2 years too long to get over those things, but those 2 years are a vest full of girl scout patches you desperately need to earn. staple those patches on, girl. no rush. enjoy your idiot heart, it’s working perfectly.

3. the correct response to someone asking you “you’re wearing that?!” is “go fuck yourself, pleeeeease!” every time.

4. SHIT! dolly parton is SO GOOD, guys! she’s like a southern prophetess!  i knew this at 22 but still was such a little naive dumdum and hadn’t learned all the dolly lessons i had to learn, but now everything dolly sings hits me riiiight in my little grinch princess heart. “baby come out tonight” is not only an amazing song to imagine yourself doing a moonlit roller-skating routine to, but is also amazing to belt out while doing dishes {the ones you couldn’t eat. ugh.}

5. downgrading romance as a priority/part of your life is 100% a great idea. i’ve realized over the last few years that my friends {specifically my female friends} are the true loves of my life. some of my guy friends squeak through too, but i’ve never been surrounded by more powerful, interesting, and compassionate female friends in my life, who have taught me more than any guy i’ve dated as to how i should be treated {hint: really, really damn well!!} while sure, i’d love to date. that would be great, but i’ve drastically cut down the importance of traditional “romance” and dating in my life and have chosen to fill it with more fulfilling things and people. damn straight.

6. barre classes friggin’ BLOW. like, this is an objective observation. this is an exercise for people who loathe themselves. similarly, finding an exercise that doesn’t feel like being put in “the princess bride” hydropower torture machine is a great skill i’ve tackled. hello, swimming and climbing and pretending i’m 8 as much as possible. bye bye, bullshit hot-yoga-kettle-bell-thigh-‘splosion classes.

7. confrontation is so delicious! i’ve spent 24.5 years being the nicest, most oatmeal-y, namby-pamby wet, little dishtowel and umm, NO. i love a good, just, productive bit of confrontation and i’ve been really loving decorating the boundaries i’ve established with people with tinsel and glade plug-ins, sprinkling my relationships with firm bits of “oh no, that’s NOT cool, dude!” i had a boss poke fun at an injury i got during a car accident last year {real talk}, and old me would have just sat there stunned and typed out some more busy work and treated myself to a little cry on the walk home. instead, i turned to him in a moment of major ball-collecting and said “oh yeah, not cool, dude!”, vowed to leave that job a$ap, and by the following friday i got a new job offer at our competitor AND a pay raise. females. is. strong. as. hell.

8. there’s still a chance for you and jason segel, girl. dad bod is underrated. i refuse to let this dream go. love of dad bod is nothing to be ashamed of. you just have high-brow taste that no one understands and appreciates. i love dad bod and i always will.

xoxo mack daddy




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